What to do when someone is not okay… and you’re not a counsellor
When someone around you is not okay; it’s natural to wonder whether it’s your place to step in. You don’t need to be a counsellor to help someone who is not okay. Notice the signs, ask them directly, listen without trying to fix things, and encourage them towards professional support.
October is Mental Health Month and the point of reflection this year is how we thrive together. Social connection is a very important cog in the machinery of mental wellness because as humans, we’re built to make connections. As it turns out, one version of meaningful connection could be the tonic someone needs when things have turned sour.
Sometimes being able to make or grow meaningful connections is hard. It might require a certain level of social risk or create vulnerability. Sometimes others don’t act in ways that motivate us to form a connection, but those negative comments or behaviours might be a sign that interacting with a friendly human is what they need most. I would never advocate putting yourself in danger if someone is acting aggressively, but that grumpy colleague might just need to know someone cares enough to check in and see if they’re OK. You might have heard a saying which goes something like “you never know what burden someone else is carrying”. But how do we turn those kind words into kind deeds? Well, I’m glad you asked!
If you’ve ever noticed someone is “a bit off” and thought about starting a conversation with them to check in, your well-intentioned urge might have been neutralised with thoughts like “what if I upset them more?” or an old favourite: “is it really any of my business?” Australians, on the whole, are pretty good at banter. We love to have a laugh, but transitioning from surface level quips to a genuine check-in can be difficult, having grown accustomed to our depth of enquiry typically confined to the routine “how are you/good thanks” script of politeness. This is where vulnerability kicks in because meaningful connections generally involve an emotional component. They demonstrate that, in this moment, “I want to know that you’re emotionally well” and we don’t always feel confident having conversations around emotions. While there’s plenty going on in the world right now to send us down the highway of pessimism, and a feeling that humanity is lost, meaningful interpersonal interactions nourish our soul and help us to fend off that sinking feeling we get listening to the news or watching our bank accounts quickly drain from paycheque to paycheque.
What are the signs someone is not okay?
Better yet, how do you support someone who is struggling? Our friends at Beyond Blue have identified some reliable signs for when someone might be struggling mentally. We all have off days so recognising any of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to wave a bunch of crisis line numbers in front of your colleague or family member, although keeping them handy is never a bad idea. If, however, someone you know is displaying any of the following signs for longer than is reasonable for their typical behaviour, or shows a combination of these traits, opening a conversation with a gentle approach and a readiness to listen could be just what they need.
At an emotional level, they might:
Seem more irritable
Have more nervous energy than normal
At the other end of the scale, they might be:
More distant
Lose interest in what normally brings them joy.
You might notice that over a number of weeks or months they hav:
Displayed protracted sadness
Hopelessness
Maybe none of these emotional signals are present, but physically you can see they:
Are generally and more frequently low in energy
Are experiencing persistent sleep issues whether it’s falling asleep, staying asleep or sleeping more than normal
Might encounter sudden changes in appetite or weight.
Maybe you’re reading some of these traits thinking “hang on, I’ve experienced some of these things and I’m fine.” While that may be the case, evidence suggests these traits are things to look out for. They might accompany your intuitive sense that “something’s off” and if you check in and they tell you there’s nothing to worry about, nothing’s lost.
There are more signs to be aware of in other areas, too. Behaviourally, your friend or family member might:
Appear to be on edge
Start to avoid situations due to underlying, unstated anxiety
Comment about generally feeling flat
Simply engage less
Have less energy
Quickly become overwhelmed
These are all signs they might be struggling. They may even turn to alcohol or other substances as a way to cope with difficult emotions. Finally, someone’s state of mind is something worth noting. Difficulty concentrating, indecisiveness and negative thinking are all flags to look out for. Remember, the significance of any of these signs can differ from person to person, so it’s really important that we have some idea about how they typically present. When all is said and done, simply checking in is never a bad idea.
How do I ask if someone is OK?
Knowing what to say is probably the most burning question on our minds when we’re stuck in the indecision about if or when to check in with someone. The team at RUOK have got your back here, with some tips on how to ask if someone is okay.
While it’s not complex, they have identified some specific things that are helpful including being prepared for the possibility they will say “no, I’m not.” Standing in readiness to listen is essential. You might be the first person who has asked them the question, or the first person they feel like they can safely open up to, so we need to give them the time they need to talk while understanding what our own limits are.
Therapists have lots of training and professional resources available to make sure they can provide the best possible support, so there are a couple of things to remember when you take the plunge.
You can’t fix anybody else’s problem. That goes for any third party, but kudos to you for feeling like you want to because that’s empathy in action
You can’t make things worse by asking. Research shows that even at the most confronting end of the conversation spectrum, where someone is having suicidal thoughts, talking about it is unlikely to cause them to take action on those thoughts. Your thoughtful enquiry might just be the thing that helps them to feel safe and accept some support in accessing professional help. Life in Mind has some excellent resources to help you tackle conversations around suicide, but don’t worry, it’s not all up to you.
But let’s rewind a little bit. Maybe your friend, family member or colleague doesn’t feel like opening up to you, despite confirming they’re struggling. That’s okay. Let them know you’re there for them if they want to talk about things at some later point, and encourage them to take action and find support to cope with whatever they’re struggling with. Remember to check in a week or so later, too. This demonstrates you genuinely care without applying pressure and might help them build the courage to connect with professional support.
By the time someone enters the therapy room for the first time, they have generally overcome a flood of internalised stigma and self-doubt at the very least. Your thoughtful enquiry can be integral to that process, showing them someone is on their side.
Is it time to escalate to professional support?
In an emergency, without question, call 000.
In less critical circumstances, there are lots of voluntary referral options available, and there’s no wrong door when it comes to accessing mental health support. Health professionals have the capability to determine whether a different level of support is required, but early intervention, which means talking to someone early in the piece, is the most reliable strategy for a quicker recovery. For the times when talking it through with a trusted friend, family member or colleague isn’t enough, Health Direct has a great resource page listing all of the national help lines. Regardless of age or circumstance, these services will also refer someone on for more specialised support if needed.
For anyone ready to connect with a therapist, the Australian Counselling Association has a directory of counsellors who are generally available in person or online. You will be able to locate someone near home, work or with specialised experience anywhere in the country, whichever works best. Person-centred talk therapy is well documented for its success, and therapists also work from other evidence-based models that might include creative or movement-based therapies, amongst others.
So, what’s your plan? The links in this article will give you everything you need to determine if someone might benefit from a friendly check-in, how to prepare for the conversation and what to do next. Bookmark it for future reference, look out for the signs and look out for each other. You might just make someone’s day.
Andy Le Roy is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist working from his own practice in Adelaide’s CBD. He is available for appointments face to face or via telehealth. An hour from your workday to work on what matters to you might be just what you need. Learn more about Andy here.
Resources
Lifeline
Beyond Blue
MindSpot
Medicare Mental Health
The information provided in this blog offers general insights only. It is important to note that this content is not intended to serve as medical advice and if you are experiencing a medical emergency, please call 000 immediately.